I am extraordinarily grateful to be a mother. My children are an amazing blessing. I am also blessed to have a mother who has loved me and continues to do so. But the truth is, I have mixed feelings about Mother's Day.
There were many years that I wanted to be a mother, but infertility stood in the way. I remember attending painful church services where mothers received flowers or were asked to stand up and be acknowledged. During those years, Mother's Day was a very sad, and lonely day.
As you might expect, after becoming a mother, Mother's Day ceased to be personally painful. But I still remember the pain. So on Mother's Day, instead of wanting to celebrate, I find that my heart aches for those women for whom Mother's Day is still painful--those who struggle with infertility, have lost children, are estranged from their children, or have lost their mothers. For those women, Sunday will be hard.
We have a special day planned on Sunday. In the afternoon, our children will perform in a choral concert which will make this mother's heart proud. My mother will also attend the concert and will join us for a meal afterward. We will indeed celebrate the day. But I also have a list of women who I will be especially praying for and will seek to encourage on Mother's Day. If anyone is reading this, I encourage you to come up with a list of your own.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
When making friends is hard...
I've recently been having conversations with some women who moved to new places in the past year or two. These women have found it difficult to develop relationships in their new churches. We've considered the "whys" of this and the solutions. But truthfully, I've pondered these things for years. I spent part of my life as a very lonely extrovert, which led to time spent considering the importance of relationships and how to develop them.
When it comes to people and relationships, things are very often not as they seem. A lot of people are lonely and don't know how to not be lonely. Most people need more and better relationships. Furthermore, people tend to inaccurately perceive their relational wants and needs. I've come to the conclusion that there are some categories that many people fall into:
1) Folks who don't feel like they need more relationships. They have their friends and their family. They're set. There is no need to to messy things up with new relationships. In a church setting, these folks may be "friendly" to you, but they're probably not having you over for dinner nor will they really try to get to know you. These folks err in two ways. First, they miss out on the benefits of "new blood" in their life. Secondly, while believing their own needs to be met, they selfishly fail to consider the needs of others and their obligation to the Body of Christ.
2) Those who desperately want friends, and feel the need for friends, but who for one reason or another, don't think people want to be their friend. As such, they don't pursue relationships. These folks can be both introverts and extroverts. If introverts, they tend to isolate themselves and often come off as distant, and disinterested in friendships, while desperately wishing that someone would reach out to them. If extroverts, these folks are very social--at every church event, always surrounded by people, making small talk. But they never go deep. They often come off as having lots of friends, but it's an illusion. In both cases they perpetuate the core problem with their actions. They want friends, and are lonely, yet they communicate that they don't need or want friends.
3) People who let the busy-ness of life distract them from their need for relationships. Some folks just stay busy and live life as though there is no time for such superfluousness, as friendship. This may be the person who would "love to have you over for dinner some time when things settle down." But the invitation never comes. These folks excuse their failure to pursue relationships with their belief that they have more important things to do, and because they seem so busy all the time, people don't pursue them.
I think it's wise to consider how we might fit into these categories, and thus how we should repent. Furthermore, we ought to consider how those around us may fit into these categories and thus how to encourage them and pursue relationships with them.
I am a way-off-on-the-edge-of-the-
1) Folks who don't feel like they need more relationships. They have their friends and their family. They're set. There is no need to to messy things up with new relationships. In a church setting, these folks may be "friendly" to you, but they're probably not having you over for dinner nor will they really try to get to know you. These folks err in two ways. First, they miss out on the benefits of "new blood" in their life. Secondly, while believing their own needs to be met, they selfishly fail to consider the needs of others and their obligation to the Body of Christ.
2) Those who desperately want friends, and feel the need for friends, but who for one reason or another, don't think people want to be their friend. As such, they don't pursue relationships. These folks can be both introverts and extroverts. If introverts, they tend to isolate themselves and often come off as distant, and disinterested in friendships, while desperately wishing that someone would reach out to them. If extroverts, these folks are very social--at every church event, always surrounded by people, making small talk. But they never go deep. They often come off as having lots of friends, but it's an illusion. In both cases they perpetuate the core problem with their actions. They want friends, and are lonely, yet they communicate that they don't need or want friends.
3) People who let the busy-ness of life distract them from their need for relationships. Some folks just stay busy and live life as though there is no time for such superfluousness, as friendship. This may be the person who would "love to have you over for dinner some time when things settle down." But the invitation never comes. These folks excuse their failure to pursue relationships with their belief that they have more important things to do, and because they seem so busy all the time, people don't pursue them.
I think it's wise to consider how we might fit into these categories, and thus how we should repent. Furthermore, we ought to consider how those around us may fit into these categories and thus how to encourage them and pursue relationships with them.
I am a way-off-on-the-edge-of-the-
Some, perhaps a lot, of this perception on the part of others is my fault--a result of my sinful tendency toward self-sufficiency and pride. So for me, I've just decided that if I want to be someone's friend, it's up to me to be the pursuer. This has also been largely true in the maintaining of relationships.
Another realization I've had since we moved over 3 years ago is that there is no replacement for history in relationships. I basically lived in the same place for the first 20 years of my adult life. During that time I had friends who attended my wedding and I theirs, who shared the struggles of early married life together. We went through pregnancies together and learned how to be mothers together...We have history.
That kind of history can't be re-created. Although I've made some wonderful new friends, none of these new friends have that shared history. It isn't realistic that I'm going to have the same depth of relationship with a new friend as I do with my friends with whom I share so much history. We'll have our own new history, but that takes time. So, in a sense, I've lowered my expectations and that's been helpful.
Another realization I've had since we moved over 3 years ago is that there is no replacement for history in relationships. I basically lived in the same place for the first 20 years of my adult life. During that time I had friends who attended my wedding and I theirs, who shared the struggles of early married life together. We went through pregnancies together and learned how to be mothers together...We have history.
That kind of history can't be re-created. Although I've made some wonderful new friends, none of these new friends have that shared history. It isn't realistic that I'm going to have the same depth of relationship with a new friend as I do with my friends with whom I share so much history. We'll have our own new history, but that takes time. So, in a sense, I've lowered my expectations and that's been helpful.
Many people have been disappointed and dissatisfied by the “relationship culture” in their churches. Far too often, the response of people who find themselves so disappointed and dissatisfied is to give up on the idea of having meaningful relationships in the church. The church can’t be the church if its members aren’t involved in each other’s lives. If you’re in a church where people don’t know each other and/or where real “one anothering” isn’t happening, then my encouragement is to model something different. Shake things up. Have fun with it!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Football and discipleship
As the blog title suggests, I like football. There are a lot of reasons to like football, but the truth is that I like football, because my dad liked football. He transferred his love of football and other sports to me. I remember sitting on the couch with him and watching football. I asked questions and he would answer. He explained how a team gets a first down. He showed me the different signals for the various penalties. He taught me the difference between a 1-point conversion and a 2-point conversion. He explained every position on the field. I probably drove him crazy with my questions when he was trying to watch the game, but I don't remember him seeming annoyed or impatient. He wanted me to know about and share in something that he cared about.
It strikes me that the Christian discipleship of my children should be a lot like watching football with my dad. I want to transfer my love for God to my children. Metaphorically speaking, I want them to sit on the couch and watch the game with me. I want them to see how much I love God and to want to know all about Him. I want to encourage and to patiently answer their questions. As they grow to adulthood, I would love to hear them say that they love God and that their love for God has a lot to do with the fact that their parents loved God and enthusiastically shared that love.
It strikes me that the Christian discipleship of my children should be a lot like watching football with my dad. I want to transfer my love for God to my children. Metaphorically speaking, I want them to sit on the couch and watch the game with me. I want them to see how much I love God and to want to know all about Him. I want to encourage and to patiently answer their questions. As they grow to adulthood, I would love to hear them say that they love God and that their love for God has a lot to do with the fact that their parents loved God and enthusiastically shared that love.
Noah's heart...
My son, Noah was born with a life-threatening congenital heart defect called Transposition of the Great Vessel (TGV) or Transposition of the Great Arteries (TGA). Essentially, his aorta was where the pulmonary artery was supposed to be and visa versa.
Skilled doctors diagnosed his condition very shortly after birth, and a skilled surgical team repaired the defect and put the vessels in their proper places when he was five days old. Needless to say, we were and are grateful.
This is on my mind because on Friday, Noah had his bi-annual check-up with his cardiologist. Everything looks great! He's healthy and his heart is working as it should be.
I'm writing this because after Noah's surgery, I spent a lot of time on the internet looking for online support groups and the like, where I might meet a mom who could tell me that her little boy had the same surgery as Noah, and now he's 12 years old and plays little league and is a "normal". I wanted to be able to connect with moms who had been through what I was going through.
So maybe there's a mom out there Googling "Transposition of the Great Vessels" and maybe you found this blog. If so, please feel free to contact me.
Skilled doctors diagnosed his condition very shortly after birth, and a skilled surgical team repaired the defect and put the vessels in their proper places when he was five days old. Needless to say, we were and are grateful.
This is on my mind because on Friday, Noah had his bi-annual check-up with his cardiologist. Everything looks great! He's healthy and his heart is working as it should be.
I'm writing this because after Noah's surgery, I spent a lot of time on the internet looking for online support groups and the like, where I might meet a mom who could tell me that her little boy had the same surgery as Noah, and now he's 12 years old and plays little league and is a "normal". I wanted to be able to connect with moms who had been through what I was going through.
So maybe there's a mom out there Googling "Transposition of the Great Vessels" and maybe you found this blog. If so, please feel free to contact me.
Hi, I'm Kim and I'm a homeschooler--pt. 2
I daresay, that every homeschooling mom has heard something like the following: "Oh, you homeschool? I could NEVER do that." I find this assertion, both amusing and dismaying.
I'm amused because the statement assumes that I have some sort of special ability, skill, or character. The truth is, I'm just a mom. I'm really not trying to be humble here. I don't have a degree in education. I haven't read dozens of books on education, though I have read a few. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a particularly patient person. I'm also not one of those creative, fun, moms. I don't do crafts! I yell at my kids too much. I often wish I had more time to myself. I want to be organized but fail miserably. I'm a regular mom, with regular struggles, trying to be faithful to God as I raise my kids.
I'm dismayed because this statement shows a fundamental misunderstanding of education. We think that the process of educating our children is completely separate from the process of parenting our children. Education, we think, is something that professionals do. It needs to happen in the context of an institution with certain guidelines and structures in place. How can I homeschool if I don't have a place for a "school room" in my house? How am I going to make my 6 year old son sit still for 6 hours while I teach him? How can I possibly teach my child algebra when I never understood algebra? I don't have a school room, my son almost never sat still when he was 6, and still doesn't at 11, and I'll worry about algebra when we get there--which is coming faster than I want to admit. Regardless of these facts, learning happens. Sometimes the learning comes easy. Other times, not so much.
Sometimes the assertion that "I could never homeschool." is followed by something like, "My kids drive me crazy." or "My kids don't listen to me." Guess what? My kids drive me crazy sometimes, and they often don't listen to me. This is not a good thing. This is not something I should settle for or avoid by spending less time with my children. This is something that we need to work on. I need to be more patient, and gracious with my children. My children need to learn the blessings of submitting to parental authority. This is more likely to happen through practice and proximity.
There are certainly obstacles and challenges inherent in educating children at home. There are also obstacles and challenges inherent in educating children in an institution. I choose the former.
I'm amused because the statement assumes that I have some sort of special ability, skill, or character. The truth is, I'm just a mom. I'm really not trying to be humble here. I don't have a degree in education. I haven't read dozens of books on education, though I have read a few. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a particularly patient person. I'm also not one of those creative, fun, moms. I don't do crafts! I yell at my kids too much. I often wish I had more time to myself. I want to be organized but fail miserably. I'm a regular mom, with regular struggles, trying to be faithful to God as I raise my kids.
I'm dismayed because this statement shows a fundamental misunderstanding of education. We think that the process of educating our children is completely separate from the process of parenting our children. Education, we think, is something that professionals do. It needs to happen in the context of an institution with certain guidelines and structures in place. How can I homeschool if I don't have a place for a "school room" in my house? How am I going to make my 6 year old son sit still for 6 hours while I teach him? How can I possibly teach my child algebra when I never understood algebra? I don't have a school room, my son almost never sat still when he was 6, and still doesn't at 11, and I'll worry about algebra when we get there--which is coming faster than I want to admit. Regardless of these facts, learning happens. Sometimes the learning comes easy. Other times, not so much.
Sometimes the assertion that "I could never homeschool." is followed by something like, "My kids drive me crazy." or "My kids don't listen to me." Guess what? My kids drive me crazy sometimes, and they often don't listen to me. This is not a good thing. This is not something I should settle for or avoid by spending less time with my children. This is something that we need to work on. I need to be more patient, and gracious with my children. My children need to learn the blessings of submitting to parental authority. This is more likely to happen through practice and proximity.
There are certainly obstacles and challenges inherent in educating children at home. There are also obstacles and challenges inherent in educating children in an institution. I choose the former.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Hi, I'm Kim, and I'm a homeschooler!--pt. 1
People often ask me why we've made the choice to homeschool. I wonder how many people who send their kids to school get asked why they've made that choice? Although there are many reasons we've chosen to homeschool--and I plan to write about some of those in subsequent posts--I think the main reason we educate our children at home, is because we don't have a good reason not to.
It seems natural to me that as much as possible, children should learn from their parents. No one thinks it's weird when parents potty-train their children, teach them to use a spoon, or how to tie their shoes. Why is it so different for a parent to teach his child to read? "But I don't know how to teach my kid to read." I'm guessing you didn't know anything about potty-training either--I know I didn't . Teaching my son to read was a cakewalk compared to getting him potty-trained.
I find it a bit odd that for most parents, it's automatic. Your child turns 5, so it's time to buy the "Dora the Explorer" backpack and lunch box and have a tearful good-bye outside of the kindergarten classroom. Why is it the "default" to send our kids to school? Why is that in order to homeschool, I need some special reason; some special "word from the Lord"? But if I sent my 5 year old away for 6-8 hours a day, no one would even question it?
Whether you educate your child(ren) at home, or send them to school, ask yourself, "Why am I making this choice?" Have reasons. Be intentional.
It seems natural to me that as much as possible, children should learn from their parents. No one thinks it's weird when parents potty-train their children, teach them to use a spoon, or how to tie their shoes. Why is it so different for a parent to teach his child to read? "But I don't know how to teach my kid to read." I'm guessing you didn't know anything about potty-training either--I know I didn't . Teaching my son to read was a cakewalk compared to getting him potty-trained.
I find it a bit odd that for most parents, it's automatic. Your child turns 5, so it's time to buy the "Dora the Explorer" backpack and lunch box and have a tearful good-bye outside of the kindergarten classroom. Why is it the "default" to send our kids to school? Why is that in order to homeschool, I need some special reason; some special "word from the Lord"? But if I sent my 5 year old away for 6-8 hours a day, no one would even question it?
Whether you educate your child(ren) at home, or send them to school, ask yourself, "Why am I making this choice?" Have reasons. Be intentional.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Mourn with those who mourn.
I recently read a blog post in which the writer was expressing profound disappointment about the current state of his life. Things are not going the way he hoped and planned. He has faced unimaginable loss and significant hardship. His goals and desires for career and family are not being realized and currently seem unreachable. He is hurting.
A commenter made the assertion that soon things would get better. He waxed spiritual about waiting on God and reassured him that God would give him what he desired in the right time. He told a story about how he wanted something for a long time and when he finally learned what God wanted him to learn, he got what he wanted.
This reminded me of when my husband and I were struggling with infertility. We desperately wanted children and it wasn't happening. During this painful time, a friend informed us that our failure to procreate was related to our failure to keep the Old Testament dietary laws and laws regarding the marriage bed and a woman's monthly cycle. Hmmm...So, you're saying that we're being punished for not obeying the OT laws? REALLY!
Then there was the time that I had a little "freak out" about a friend who'd recently been diagnosed with cancer. I was sad. I was afraid. I felt helpless. Unfortunately, this "freak out" happened while I was attending a function. A well-meaning friend noticed that something was troubling me and asked what was wrong. When I told her why I was feeling sad, she decided this was the right time to tell me everything she knew about alternative cancer treatments and cancer prevention and gave me a business card to pass along to my cancer-patient-friend so she could buy all the right herbs, and juices.
My (or anyone's) painful situation is not a great time for you to share your opinion about why bad things happen, sell your favorite product, correct bad theology, or otherwise "fix". And it certainly isn't the right time to "blame the victim". But we've all done it. I know I have. Someone I love is hurting and I don't know what to do. I want to help. I want her to feel better. I feel inadequate. All of the sudden, it's no longer about my hurting friend, but about my own feelings of failure and discomfort and not being able to help. So I spring into action with platitudes, explanations, and solutions.
The Scripture is clear that suffering, trials, and hardships are a normal part of the Christian life. I wonder what it would be like if we were more comfortable in the presence of these things and excelled in mourning with those who mourn, and comforting the afflicted with the comfort we've received from Christ.
A commenter made the assertion that soon things would get better. He waxed spiritual about waiting on God and reassured him that God would give him what he desired in the right time. He told a story about how he wanted something for a long time and when he finally learned what God wanted him to learn, he got what he wanted.
This reminded me of when my husband and I were struggling with infertility. We desperately wanted children and it wasn't happening. During this painful time, a friend informed us that our failure to procreate was related to our failure to keep the Old Testament dietary laws and laws regarding the marriage bed and a woman's monthly cycle. Hmmm...So, you're saying that we're being punished for not obeying the OT laws? REALLY!
Then there was the time that I had a little "freak out" about a friend who'd recently been diagnosed with cancer. I was sad. I was afraid. I felt helpless. Unfortunately, this "freak out" happened while I was attending a function. A well-meaning friend noticed that something was troubling me and asked what was wrong. When I told her why I was feeling sad, she decided this was the right time to tell me everything she knew about alternative cancer treatments and cancer prevention and gave me a business card to pass along to my cancer-patient-friend so she could buy all the right herbs, and juices.
My (or anyone's) painful situation is not a great time for you to share your opinion about why bad things happen, sell your favorite product, correct bad theology, or otherwise "fix". And it certainly isn't the right time to "blame the victim". But we've all done it. I know I have. Someone I love is hurting and I don't know what to do. I want to help. I want her to feel better. I feel inadequate. All of the sudden, it's no longer about my hurting friend, but about my own feelings of failure and discomfort and not being able to help. So I spring into action with platitudes, explanations, and solutions.
The Scripture is clear that suffering, trials, and hardships are a normal part of the Christian life. I wonder what it would be like if we were more comfortable in the presence of these things and excelled in mourning with those who mourn, and comforting the afflicted with the comfort we've received from Christ.
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