When making friends is hard...

I've recently been having conversations with some women who moved to new places in the past year or two. These women have found it difficult to develop relationships in their new churches. We've considered the "whys" of this and the solutions. But truthfully, I've pondered these things for years. I spent part of my life as a very lonely extrovert, which led to time spent considering the importance of relationships and how to develop them.

When it comes to people and relationships, things are very often not as they seem. A lot of people are lonely and don't know how to not be lonely. Most people need more and better relationships. Furthermore, people tend to inaccurately perceive their relational wants and needs. I've come to the conclusion that there are some categories that many people fall into:

1) Folks who don't feel like they need more relationships. They have their friends and their family. They're set. There is no need to to messy things up with new relationships. In a church setting, these folks may be "friendly" to you, but they're probably not having you over for dinner nor will they really try to get to know you. These folks err in two ways. First, they miss out on the benefits of "new blood" in their life. Secondly, while believing their own needs to be met, they selfishly fail to consider the needs of others and their obligation to the Body of Christ.

2) Those who desperately want friends, and feel the need for friends, but who for one reason or another, don't think people want to be their friend. As such, they don't pursue relationships. These folks can be both introverts and extroverts. If introverts, they tend to isolate themselves and often come off as distant, and disinterested in friendships, while desperately wishing that someone would reach out to them. If extroverts, these folks are very social--at every church event, always surrounded by people, making small talk. But they never go deep. They often come off as having lots of friends, but it's an illusion. In both cases they perpetuate the core problem with their actions. They want friends, and are lonely, yet they communicate that they don't need or want friends.

3) People who let the busy-ness of life distract them from their need for relationships. Some folks just stay busy and live life as though there is no time for such superfluousness, as friendship. This may be the person who would "love to have you over for dinner some time when things settle down." But the invitation never comes. These folks excuse their failure to pursue relationships with their belief that they have more important things to do, and because they seem so busy all the time, people don't pursue them.

I think it's wise to consider how we might fit into these categories, and thus how we should repent. Furthermore, we ought to consider how those around us may fit into these categories and thus how to encourage them and pursue relationships with them.

I am a way-off-on-the-edge-of-the-bell-curve extrovert. I've only known two people in my life who I consider more extroverted than I--one of them is my mother. :) What I've come to realize is that people tend to assume that I don't need friends. I am rarely pursued. I don't get invitations to dinner. People either think I'm a too busy pastor's wife/homeschooling mom, or they think I have plenty of friends, so why would I want to be their friend.

Some, perhaps a lot, of this perception on the part of others is my fault--a result of my sinful tendency toward self-sufficiency and pride. So for me, I've just decided that if I want to be someone's friend, it's up to me to be the pursuer. This has also been largely true in the maintaining of relationships.

Another realization I've had since we moved over 3 years ago is that there is no replacement for history in relationships. I basically lived in the same place for the first 20 years of my adult life. During that time I had friends who attended my wedding and I theirs, who shared the struggles of early married life together. We went through pregnancies together and learned how to be mothers together...We have history.

That kind of history can't be re-created. Although I've made some wonderful new friends, none of these new friends have that shared history. It isn't realistic that I'm going to have the same depth of relationship with a new friend as I do with my friends with whom I share so much history. We'll have our own new history, but that takes time. So, in a sense, I've lowered my expectations and that's been helpful.

Many people have been disappointed and dissatisfied by the “relationship culture” in their churches. Far too often, the response of people who find themselves so disappointed and dissatisfied is to give up on the idea of having meaningful relationships in the church. The church can’t be the church if its members aren’t involved in each other’s lives. If you’re in a church where people don’t know each other and/or where real “one anothering” isn’t happening, then my encouragement is to model something different. Shake things up. Have fun with it!